So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My penis needs a shock collar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
