I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
