Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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