went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
