After last night, I could never be a politician.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
