Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
