If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
