you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
