3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
