You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
