I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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