I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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