worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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