margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
