the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
