I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
