i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
