using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
