Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
