On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
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