Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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