I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
