it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
