I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
