My Higher Power is John Stamos
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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