look no pants
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
why do cheetos always look like penises
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
