dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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