i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
