the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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