Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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