I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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