his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
