found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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