i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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