so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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