i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
