i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
