I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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