Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
