Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
