If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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