I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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