It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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