did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
