Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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