Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
