I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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