he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
