***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
