you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
