and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
