just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
