Just fell off a train. Bad.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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